“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” — Louis de Berniere

How often I have couples that come into my office in distress because, as they tell me, they “…love each other, but are no longer in love.” They feel that they have drifted emotionally away from each other, and may feel more like room mates or siblings than romantic partners. In other words, the “pretty blossoms have fallen away”. This is especially prevalent at two places in the life cycle of the couple—that is when children are born, and when children leave home. Why is that? Couples with young children are generally very stretched for time, energy and resources. They are caring for the never ending demands of the baby or child, sleep deprived, building their careers, managing their home and property, possibly commuting or traveling for work, or looking after aging parents. If they are a younger couple, they may not have established themselves financially yet, which may limit the resources available to them to assist in the demands of parenting, such as babysitters. They are treading water as fast as they can just to keep their heads above the water line. It’s all work and no play. Often, in women, this translates into a low sex drive, and in men it shows itself as low communication or withdrawal. In both cases, the partner is depleted, which leaves no energy for romance or meeting each other’s needs. It doesn’t take much of this to feel like the thrill is gone, as BB King would say.

Couples who are dealing with grown children leaving home, or the “empty nest syndrome” as it is frequently called, are facing a similar but longer term problem. These are usually couples who have devoted themselves to their children throughout their marriages to such a degree that they regularly sacrificed their individual or marital needs to satisfy the demands of the family. Over time, this type of couple spends very little time together pursuing interests, talking or having fun alone together. Sex tends to become rote and they feel that they have little in common any more. When the kids leave, these couples are forced to face the void that is left, and the disengagement that has taken over where once there was passion and connection. They are no longer meeting each other’s core emotional needs.

Both situations can generally be avoided by remembering that the family is only as strong as the couple. Couples need to prioritize date nights and time to connect physically and emotionally. Put the time aside for this today, much like you put money aside for your RRSP throughout the year. Intimacy is not a light switch that you can just turn on and off—it requires maintenance and attention. So call your partner and set up a date night—help those roots keep growing toward each other!